Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Grief

I have been reading a lot of blogs written by moms who have experienced the loss of their baby. It is comforting to know that the pain will lessen (though not go away) over time. I wanted to record my feelings and in the future, maybe help another mother or family who experiences the loss of their angel.
After the birth of Harper, we were able to hold her and spend time with her in the hospital. What sacred times these were. I will never forget the way her little legs looked just like her big sister, or how soft her hair was, or her cute little nose. I will also never forget how I was flooded with sadness as I looked at her and realized that I wouldn't see her open her eyes, or grasp my finger. I wouldn't be able, in this life, be able to give her a bath, comfort her in the night, learn her sweet personality, or see her play with her sister. I cannot even describe how painful these revelations were. As I left the hospital, I couldn't believe that she wasn't coming with me. I hated more than anything to leave her there.
After leaving the hospital, we began making funeral arrangements. As a mother, there is nothing more painful than planning to bury your child. We decided to go through the Warenski Funeral Home. Greg and I went up on Thursday, March 11th to finalize plans. As I walked into the room with all the caskets and looked at the tiny boxes that were going to be my baby's resting place, I was flooded with emotion. I couldn't believe that instead of being in a warm, soft crib, my baby would be "sleeping" in a small plastic box. We picked a beautiful white casket for our sweet girl and left, leaving her in the care of the mortician.
The viewing and funeral were beautiful. Close family was able to come see our pride and joy and say goodbye to her before the graveside service. At the service, Greg conducted. We had my dad, Doug, say a few words and Greg's mom, Cindy, read a beautiful poem. All of Harper's cousins and Olivia then sang, "I Am a Child of God". Greg's brother, Brian, then dedicated her grave. It was the most emotional and beautiful service for the most beautiful baby. There were so many friends and family members there to support us, and we were so grateful to have them there.
As the weeks since burying our Harper have passed, I have been consumed by emotion. I am grateful that time has passed, making the wounds less "fresh", but I also hate that time is passing because it means it has been that much longer since I have felt Harper kick or held her in my arms. My heart aches constantly and as you can imagine, I have not felt like myself at all. I feel cheated that I don't get to hold, smell, touch, kiss, and cuddle my Harper. I know that I will get to raise her in the Millennium, but I want her NOW. I think about her constantly, but have to go on and try my best to make life feel "normal" for Olivia. She deserves her mom's love and attention, and I'm grateful that I get to give it to her. She has truly kept me going. I don't know what I would do without her happy, sweet spirit. She is my Angel here on Earth. I love her so much and feel blessed to be her mom.
As I try to heal, I am so thankful for my knowledge of the Gospel. I know that the Lord has a plan for Harper and for our family. This knowledge has given me great comfort in this time. I cannot wait to see Harper again. What a wonderful day it will be.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that "those who die in infancy are too pure and lovely to live in the corruption on Earth. Even as we mourn their present loss to us, we have reason to rejoice because they have been delivered from evil."

11 comments:

Myken Briem said...

So beautifully written and only truly understandable by a mother who's lost a child. You are the most amazing person I know. You inspire me to be better. Harper knows and feels of your love for her and the hole you have in your heart because she is not here with you. I admire you Kelsey and am here for you always. I love you very much!

Amy said...

Kels, I am reading this with tears streaming down my face.....how I ache for you!! I am so inspired by your strength and admire your faith. I know that your beautiful little Harper is watching over you and is so proud of her sweet and amazing momma! Continue that faith Kels....and continue being the strong person you are for your adorable little Livie! I sure do love ya and want you to know that I am praying for you and your little family. I would love to come and visit sometime. Thinking of you!!!

Lindsay Spence said...

Kels-
Beautifully expressed. I am touched by your honesty and amazed by your strength. Continue the grief process - for it's the only way to heal. I am here for you and was ecstatic to hear your voice on the phone the other day. Thanks for teaching me to slow down my life and enjoy Asher each and EVERY day.

I love you and look to you as a beautiful example both as a child of god and an excellent mother.

love always. . . .
Linds

Steffani Dastrup said...

Kelsey, I hope that you don't mind that I'm reading this. I know we don't know each other very well, but I truly hope that will change! You are amazing! Thank you so much for expressing and recording your feelings! I can feel the love and the spirit you and your family have through your words! Please let me know if I can do anything for you! Hopefully I'll see you in Nursery! :)

goldie said...

Kels, you are one strong momma! I am sure that Harper is sad that time has passed too and hasn't been in your arms. I am impressed by your strength. I am so happy that you have Olivia to keep you going. Time heals all wounds.

annmser12 said...

Kelsey, I know I dont know you but I was raised LDS. Im only 19 years old and after I turned 18 I drifted away from the church, but for as long as I can remember thier is not a day that goes by were I am not afraid die. It scares me so much! After reading this I can see that you dont have that fear and you know you will see your daughter again. I am always full of confusion on what to belive and I know that people will tell me to pray about it I just dont feel like I am worthy enough to talk to him right now. I just know that I wish I had such a strong belife like you do. I hope what im writing makes since. Im really sorry for your lose and I wish the best for you and your family.
Stephanie Moser

Brooke and Dustin Jackson said...

beautiful post for a beautiful girl.

i don't understand these things... but i KNOW you and your family will be blessed for this.

she is gorgeous kelsey. forever.

hope today is a better one.

you are in my thoughts,
xo

Brooke

jaybay said...

Thank You for sharing your story. You don't know me, and I kinda knew your husband in high school. I am so sorry for your loss and can't even begin to know what you are going through. I don't know how anyone can go through something like this and come out ok, but it sounds like you are doing amazing for the circumstance. I had a baby girl March 6th so I am thinking that your precious baby and her would have been about the same age. Your story has made me SO SO grateful for her and appreciate all those sleepless nights because at least I have them. Thank you for sharing this!

Colby and Britney said...

so beautiful kels! i just have tears right now. i can't even begin to say i know how you feel, because ic an't even imagine, but i admire you so much! you are so strong and have such faith in the gospel. Harper is so proud to have you as her mommy! and know that she is watching over you from above and can't wait for the day you get to hold her in your arms again! Olivia is a lucky girl to have you as a parent! your family is truely amazing! love you and know that i am hear for whatever you need!

Tyler, Amanda, & Braxton said...

Hey Kelsey! WE haven't seen you guys in quite a while! I have been following your blog for a few months now.... My heart breaks for you every day and in everyway! I wish I knew what to say to help! Your family has been in Tyler & I's prays and I think about you very often! I don't know if this is weird but I had a thought cross my mind when thinking about you the other day. I have a friend that has an amazing blog They went through the same thing about 2 years ago her writting is beyond uplifting and amazing thought I would just share with you incase this could help. We love you guys!


http://journeytoheal.blogspot.com/

lenseigne said...

Thanks for sharing all these things from your heart. The strength you have during this time will strengthen many others. You don’t know me, but my husband and I met Greg while he was serving his mission in AZ. We’ll never forget him. What a beautiful forever family the 2 of you have created.