Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I have been reading a lot of blogs written by moms who have experienced the loss of their baby. It is comforting to know that the pain will lessen (though not go away) over time. I wanted to record my feelings and in the future, maybe help another mother or family who experiences the loss of their angel.
After the birth of Harper, we were able to hold her and spend time with her in the hospital. What sacred times these were. I will never forget the way her little legs looked just like her big sister, or how soft her hair was, or her cute little nose. I will also never forget how I was flooded with sadness as I looked at her and realized that I wouldn't see her open her eyes, or grasp my finger. I wouldn't be able, in this life, be able to give her a bath, comfort her in the night, learn her sweet personality, or see her play with her sister. I cannot even describe how painful these revelations were. As I left the hospital, I couldn't believe that she wasn't coming with me. I hated more than anything to leave her there.
After leaving the hospital, we began making funeral arrangements. As a mother, there is nothing more painful than planning to bury your child. We decided to go through the Warenski Funeral Home. Greg and I went up on Thursday, March 11th to finalize plans. As I walked into the room with all the caskets and looked at the tiny boxes that were going to be my baby's resting place, I was flooded with emotion. I couldn't believe that instead of being in a warm, soft crib, my baby would be "sleeping" in a small plastic box. We picked a beautiful white casket for our sweet girl and left, leaving her in the care of the mortician.
The viewing and funeral were beautiful. Close family was able to come see our pride and joy and say goodbye to her before the graveside service. At the service, Greg conducted. We had my dad, Doug, say a few words and Greg's mom, Cindy, read a beautiful poem. All of Harper's cousins and Olivia then sang, "I Am a Child of God". Greg's brother, Brian, then dedicated her grave. It was the most emotional and beautiful service for the most beautiful baby. There were so many friends and family members there to support us, and we were so grateful to have them there.
As the weeks since burying our Harper have passed, I have been consumed by emotion. I am grateful that time has passed, making the wounds less "fresh", but I also hate that time is passing because it means it has been that much longer since I have felt Harper kick or held her in my arms. My heart aches constantly and as you can imagine, I have not felt like myself at all. I feel cheated that I don't get to hold, smell, touch, kiss, and cuddle my Harper. I know that I will get to raise her in the Millennium, but I want her NOW. I think about her constantly, but have to go on and try my best to make life feel "normal" for Olivia. She deserves her mom's love and attention, and I'm grateful that I get to give it to her. She has truly kept me going. I don't know what I would do without her happy, sweet spirit. She is my Angel here on Earth. I love her so much and feel blessed to be her mom.
As I try to heal, I am so thankful for my knowledge of the Gospel. I know that the Lord has a plan for Harper and for our family. This knowledge has given me great comfort in this time. I cannot wait to see Harper again. What a wonderful day it will be.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that "those who die in infancy are too pure and lovely to live in the corruption on Earth. Even as we mourn their present loss to us, we have reason to rejoice because they have been delivered from evil."